I was watching CBS Sunday Morning today, as I normally do. And they had a segment on Alzheimer's. This is one disease that I am terrified of getting. Yes cancer is bad, heart disease and all those others are scary, but this changes a person completely. I also believe that my grandmother had it or a least a form of dementia. It was never diagnosed and it could have been caused by all the medications that her doctor had her on. She died almost 15 years ago and reliable tests then were not available. There is no cure. There is no way to prevent it.
Anyway, back to the program. The reporter was telling us the story of this woman, Jan who had early onset. She was quite cheerful and confused. You come to find out that this is his wife. To see her talk to him about her husband (obviously not realizing that he was her husband) and for him to have tears streaming down his face, was moving. I don't know how he could sit there and deal with it. He obviously still loves this woman, but she hasn't a clue. She loves her husband, but can't see that he is sitting in front of her. And she couldn't recall her husbands name. She had a nickname for him. The story continues that he now has a girlfriend in the real world. In fact, the GF has met and visits his wife in the assisted living home that Jan had to go to when she became violent at home. Side note: he did take care of her for a long time until she became hard to handle.
The whole thing that he had a girlfriend (who was a widow) and they were living together, opened up a conversation with my husband. We tend to go into these moral debates that have no answers! Oh well. Anyway, I said I could understand why he found someone else, for companionship and comfort. Yes, he is married to her and he did take those vows, "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health." But the question I posed was, was she the same woman he married, mentally? Of course not. She doesn't know him, she doesn't even know herself (she looks in the mirror and sees another woman, not recognizing herself). He has not divorced her, so I give him credit for that. He truly loves his wife. Is he doing the right thing? I really don't know. And I'm torn. I believe you take your vows seriously (and I think he did), and that you stand by your spouse even if they are ill (mentally and physically). But with Alzheimer's, the person no longer is who you married. Are they? People change in a marriage. We grow, hopefully together. We usually are not the same people as we were when we got married. I've been married 20 years and I'm not the same. But that's not what Alzheimer's does. It changes the person's mind that they don't know family, friends or themselves. I know of cases where patients in assisted living, become attached to another Alzheimer patients and "date" them. So who is wrong in this case. Yes, I know the moral issue, the sacrament of marriage. So will God punish this reporter for finding another woman while married to another who is not herself? I don't know. And I guess that's why I'm not God. As a Christian, I believe God is a loving God. A just God. A fair God. I'm not sure there is a concrete answer.
Now on the flip side of this, is the movie The Notebook. I know. It's a movie, but it is the story of a man who stands by his wife. Everyday he reads her their story (that she wrote down and made him promise her that he would read to her). A story she can't remember from day to day. But every so often she remembers that it is their story and she recognizes the man as her husband and true love. It's a movie that I love a lot. But it is something that I think I would do if I were in his position or that I would want my husband to do if I were in her position. It's a huge burden on this man (Noah). One he seems to take willingly. And of course he is in poor health and the movie ends with him lying next to her and they die in each others arms.
So compare the reporter to a fictional character. Who is right?
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